Insecure Writer’s Support Group – Optimistic, but Should I Be


11.19 Cavanaugh Blogfest LIVE December 10First of all, did you hear they declared a new National Holiday.  On December 10 – 12, 2012, it is officially Ninja Captain Alex Cavanaugh Day. Make sure you participate in all things Alex that day including “Cheers, Cavanaugh BlogFest”.

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My insecurities this month stem from the fact I quit my job of 7 years and will be moving back to the United States tomorrow.  I am excited and optimistic about the future, but should I be.

Or, I am crazy for making this move. This is one of those moves were I am 100% percent ready to pursue my passion of being a writer and making a living at it. I have a plan that will be revealed shortly and I am confident if I work hard and am patient, I will succeed.

But, perhaps I am fooling myself. I have no concept of day to day reality in the United States. I haven’t lived there in 6 years. I haven’t even been in the states for 2 years. I a little in the bank, but nothing that will sustain me for any long period of time.

But, you never know until you try, right.

So, anyone else made a drastic, dramatic, carefully calculate, but still filled with unknowns, move on behalf of pursuing your dream. How did it work out for you? Give me the good and the bad results. 



Let Me Tell You Why I’m Exhausted

Top 5 Reasons why after the week I had, I am Exhausted:  

  1. I am exhausted because for the first time in my life I wrote over 20,000 words of pure unadulterated creative fiction from my mind in 7 days.
  2. I am exhausted because instead of going to sleep at a decent hour, every night this week, I stayed up late to write.
  3. I am exhausted because in order to keep up with my peeps and tweeps, I have to communicate on “social media” at some ungodly hours.
  4. I am exhausted because my mind is constantly racing about what I am going to write about for the next 20,000 words of pure unadulterated creative fiction in the next 7 days.
  5. But, really, I am exhausted because one of my collegues took me to a jazz club last night And even though I was exhausted, I stayed for all 4 sets.  Whitney Houston, Anita Baker and Babyface songs with a jazz twist, I had no choice.  I had to stay.
CJW – Cigar, Jazz & Wine

And, to be perfectly honest with you, I wouldn’t have changed a thing about this week. If being exhausted is the price I pay for doing what I love, then YAWN and bring it on.    

Quick Shout out to my new followers from a week ago:

1 EarthUnited
EM Castellan
Empty Coffee Cups
Anabel Mikolay
Sisi’s Blog
Hanna Pot
Elisabeth Crisp
Champagne Whisky Cigar
Life Coach Marie
Wonderful Cinema
Fu Only Knew

I will gladly continue to be exhausted for your reading pleasure.

FYI, by the time you read this, I will be asleep.  Talk to you tomorrow. I really am exhausted.

“Be Connected, Isolation is Sickness” – Russell Simmons

Do you ever read someones tweet and wish they would explain it?  Why did they write it and where were they coming from and what are they trying to tell me?  With me, leaving the misunderstood to my own interpretation could be a bit dangerous.  I tend to trust the writers perspective to quickly.  That is why I immediatedly retweeted this.  But, days later I am looking at this quote again and then start wondered why it made me stop and pause in the first place.  I shoot first, then looked later.  Now, that I have had a chance look, I don’t necessary agree with what Mr. Simmons was saying.  

Being connected is great.  Being connected to friends, family, the world in general is wonderful.  It make us feel alive and part of something greater.  Makes us feel like we belong and that others are going through the same thing we are going through and that is great, I agree.  But, I don’t necessarily agree that isolation is sickness.  Connected (good) versus isolation (bad).  You can live in a world connected with others or you can be by your self.  Those are the only two options.  I don’t believe that. There has to be more to life then just that.  Life is not that simple and you don’t just have those two choices and at times there isn’t a choice at all.  Life puts you in situations and circumstances and it is up to you do deal with them the best way you know how. 

Like, at this moment, I am isolated.  I am alone in my room, writing this post. I am in my own head and putting out my own thoughts just to get them out of my head.  I am not doing this to share with an audience or to be “connected.”  I do it because, this is what I always do.  I have stuff to say and I have to speak, but I speak to no one.  I don’t have anyone in my life that I can share this stuff with.  I am isolated.  

But, in my isolation, I am creative.  My creativity is energizing.   My isolation is granting me permission to indulge in my passion.  Indulge without consequence or explanation.  My isolation is affording me the opportunity to get somewhere better in my mind, do something better with my heart and spirit, and be something better then what I am.  It is not bad, it is not good, it is just the way it is right now and how it has to be in order for me to change and grow.  

Now, you could argue that I am not isolated because I am writing to potentially billions of people on the internet.  And, someone is readying it and identifying with me, so in that sense, I am not isolated.  I am very much connected.  (Come on now, no one is readying my blog. But, yet, here I am. Putting it out there anyway.)  People are readying it and yes, I hope they can related and hope that they get something out of what I say and it makes them feel better and feel more connected.    

But, really what I am trying to say is that in life you are going to go through things.  You have to. That is what life is. Experiencing things.  Good things and bad things and things that have to identifying characteristics at all.   Some times you are going to be connected to people, ideas, places and you are going to belong.  And, some times you are not.  

But, in those time that you are not and you are able to turn those times into periods of growth in your life, then you are living during those times too.  So, don’t look down on those moments, embrace them and see what comes out of them.  You might be surprise.  


“When you’re good at something it create a confidence, when your insecure about something it creates an arrogance.”  Gordan Ramsey

Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.” Ludacris

These two quotes really struck me.  I see so many people around me who are so arrogant about what they do and when Gordon said that about this kid on Master Chef, it became all so clear.  When you are insecure about something, then you come off arrogant because you don’t want to be found out as a fraud.  But, confidence comes out of being good at something.

And, Ludacris is my new philosopher.  He is absolutely correct on this one.  Passion is energy.  I love that.  If you are passionate about something, you will get up early for it.  You will stay up late for it.  You will do it for free. Passion fuels energy and you are energetic about what you are passionate about.  Maybe that is why I am tired.  I am not passionate about what I do.  I get no energy from what I do.

What am I passionate about?

Tattoos – eat, breath and sleep information about tattoos.  I will stay up late and get up early for something related to tattoo.  I look up information on tattoos instead of working.

Food – i am down right obsessive about food.  I will stay up late, wake up early and think about it for days.  Right now, I am thinking about what I am going to eat on Sunday (Breakfast at Flying Pan and Dinner at Ruth Chris). I watch cooking competition shows because of the food porn.  Top Chef, Top Chef Masters, Master Chef, Rocco’s Dinner Party.  All brilliant television.  Megan’s fried chicken and creamed greens looked so good on the finale of MasterChef. I make a list of restaurants I have to eat at when I go back home to America and mark them off once of have eaten there. I spend a lot a time on food and it gives me energy, literally and theoretically.

So, here is my dilemma.  I can’t get a tattoo every time I want to.  I can’t work in a tattoo shop and I don’t think I will have the opportunity to meet, date, fall in love and marry Ami James.  And food, I can’t eat it all the time. I can’t eat what I want everyday all day.  I can’t eat Flying pan for breakfast, pizza hut for lunch and ruth chris for dinner every day.

I need to find my passion and make it my profession.

I tend to gravitate towards wanting to learn more about people who have a talent and get to do that talent for a job; e.g., chefs, tattoo artist, dancers, singers.  Not actors so much because I think that is a learned skill.  But, the others are talents.  You have to be born with the gift and then with opportunity and study you become good at it.  It is those things that people do and then it makes them smile and feel good after.  Like the way a singer feels after singing a song.

I watched “Never, Say Never” – Justin Beiber Movie.  You can tell he loves to sing and entertain.  At the end of singing that song with just himself and his guitar player her had that look on this face.  That pure bliss look.  That is what happens when people are passion about something.  It physically feels good to get to do that task.

It is the same satisfaction I imagine a dancer feels after a number or an artist feels after he finishes a piece.

Does writing give me that high? I don’t know.  I like doing this.  I like spending time on putting my thoughts in written form.  I like that they are there now forever.  Although not for every one to consume just yet.  Maybe someday.  But, they are there and it makes me happy.  Do I do it every day? No.  Do I stay up late to do it or wake up early to do it?  No.  I could, but I don’t.  I am not passionate about it.

How do I find what I am passionate about because where I am at and what I am doing right now is not my passion?

I am going to dedicate the next 18 months to finding what my passion is and pursuing it with all my heart.