The Dark Shadows is another collaboration between Tim Burton and the greatness that is Johnny Depp. And, guess what? Helena Bonham Carter is in the movie, too. I know big surprise. She has a rather tamer role then we are used to seeing from her. Except, she does tried to transfuse vampire blood into her body in order to stay young and beautiful. The fact that this isn’t the strangest thing that happens in this movie gives you an idea of what a bizarre film Tim Burton creates.
The movie takes place in the early 70’s, but Johnny Depp’s character, Barnabas Collins finds himself in this strange new world. I thought I would take this opportunity to do a bit of translation for our hero, Barnabas. Here are some of his best lines.
“Mark me not with your strange luminant.” – it is called electricity and light. For someone locked in a coffin for 200 years, it may seem like the devil. (197 years according to Angelique – don’t want to exaggerate)
Upon seeing in the distance a McDonald with its Golden Arches glowing in the night sky, Barnabas exclaims, “Mephistopheles” – Satan? Perhaps. Some may call McDonalds the devil, but not for the reason you think, Barnabas.
“It is the eyes, its the devil himself come to drag me to my judgement. Have at me Lucifer. My soul is prepared.” – It’s a car, not the devil. Relax, Barnabas.
“I was awaken by a giant dragon with millions of teeth and a thousand shiny eyes.” – you mean a bulldozer?
“What sorcery is this? Reveal yourself tiny songstress.” – Karen Carpenter singing on a television. If you like, you can call it a picture box.
“But I shall call you Victoria. A name so wonderful I could not stand to loose a syllable of it.” – I actually love this line. Very romantic, Barnabas.
“It looks like a pulsating blood urn.” – No, Barnabas, it’s a lava lamp.
“She has the most fertile birthing hips I’ve ever set eyes upon.” – In the 70’s you it’s ok to call her groovy. These day, you would just say, Victoria is hot.
“Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those childbearing hips to good use, lest your womb shrivel up and die.” – How nice of you to call the young lady an old maid, but women don’t marry until much later these days.
“Well then, I suppose, strictly in the name of her honor, I must defile myself for a few seconds. ” – Sleeping with another women under the guise of protecting your currently love is not a good reason. She won’t buy it. Sorry.
“Hear are my terms: Goest thou to hell, and swiftly please, and there may Azmodaeus himself suckle from your diseased teat!” – Great insult, but you still had sex with her, if you can call what you guys did sex.
“I have already prepared my counter proposal. It reads thusly: you may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!” – That is a much better way to say “kiss my ass!” Can I borrow that?
The other characters had some great lines, as well:
“Sleeping flame, I summon thee to your form return. Make night as bright as day and burn, baby burn!”- I just love a good fire spell.
“I’m a werewolf, ok. Let’s not make a big deal out of it, ok?”
“I’m pretty sure he called me a hooker.” – In response to Barnabas’ inquiry “When did they start allowing women of the night on the state grounds?”
“Your the nanny. And, she’s a bitch. Honey, how do you expect us ladies to advance if you keep reducing us to labels.”
“Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.” – hence the vampire blood transfusion.
Even though the movie was slow, it had many great lines. This wasn’t even half of them. But, it was dark and strange and weird and everything else you would expect from a Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie.
What did you think of The Dark Shawdows? What’s your favorite Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie?